Sirius' Guide on How Not to Prank
by purple-poisons
Summary: James is making Sirius prank their nerdy room-mate, Remus.  Full summary inside!
1. Chapter 1

**Summary**:James is making Sirius get to know Remus, their nerdy room-mate, so they can pull a great prank on him. But what if Sirius doesn't want to hurt Remus?

**Rating:**M, just to be safe

**Author's note:**Yes, this is my first multi-chapter story! Exciting, huh? However, I will NOT post another chapter anytime soon unless you review. So review me please!

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"C'mon, hurry up!" Sirius panted between snorts of laughter to James and Peter. They were running as though all of Slytherin were behind them, laughing like mad.

Behind them came Snape, breathing coming in short gasps, shaking his fist in the air with one hand, doubled over and clutching his ribs with the other. He was yelling out a stream of hex and swear words, all useless because of his panting. To complete his look was fluorescent green hair, which would be blowing behind him if it were not so greasy.

Past the Great Hall Sirius and his friends streaked towards the Gryffindor Common Room, all the while hurling insults back at their pursuer.

Snape soon came after them, flipping the tail of his billowing robes over his head to cover his hair. Screams of laughter followed him as he ran past the Great Hall, intending to give Sirius, James and Peter what they deserved.

Howling with laughter, the three friends gave the Fat Lady the password between combined snorts of laughter and wheezes, Snape now so far behind the sound of his breathing had vanished.

They stumbled inside the common room, leaning on each other and patting each other on the back. Stumbling over to the overstuffed chair by the fire, still guffawing, they heard footsteps and labored breathing just outside the Fat Lady's portrait.

Snape had just run by the Fat Lady, not knowing it was the entrance to the Gryffindor's common room. This only made them laugh harder, tears streaming out of Sirius's eyes.

"James that may have been your best yet!" said Sirius, thumping James on the back so hard his glasses were knocked off his face.

"Did you see the look on his face?" said James triumphantly, patting the ground around his feet for his glasses.

Before Sirius could reply, Remus Lupin came down the spiral staircase, clutching a book close to his chest as though afraid someone might steal it. He would have went unnoticed, as he was good at scurrying past the group before they noticed him, if it weren't for James finally finding his glasses and pushing them up onto his nose.

As f he could sense trouble, Lupin made a dash for the door, but James, with quick reflexes born from quidditch, sprang up and blocked the door with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, which were screwed up in triumph.

"Where are you going in such a hurry Loony Lupin?" James asked a terrified Remus, smiling innocently. Sirius felt a twinge of pity for Remus. Deep down, he felt that Remus didn't deserve how James treated him, for he was always so timid and shy and never bothered anyone.

"Library." mumbled Remus, holding his book so it covered his mouth.

"Aw, I thought you could hang with us. Pity." said James innocently with a sneer, towering over Remus, who was at least two heads shorter. Remus made to dart past him, but James blocked him easily.

"James, lay off." said Sirius soothingly, "What's he done to you?"

Rolling his eyes, James stepped aside and, shooting a fleeting, timid smile over his shoulder at Sirius, Remus flew out of the portrait.

"We have _got_ to prank him." said James with a sigh, plunking down on the couch between Sirius and Peter.

"Hear, hear!" squeaked Peter, who was easily overlooked and always looked for a chance to poke his nose in the conversation.

Lately, James has been extremely prank-happy, even going as far as getting teachers. It was quickly getting out of hand, but he didn't say anything in case he upset him.

"Yeah." muttered Sirius awkwardly. He did not want them to know he didn't want to prank Remus.

"Maybe we could switch his robes for pink ones? No, maybe turn his skin blue? Nah, how about switching his wand for a stick of wood? No…what do you think?" James asked Sirius, with a look that came only with pranking: Pure glee.

"Oh, um…Er" stuttered Sirius, racking his brain for a lie.

"I got it!" said James suddenly, making Peter jump and the coach squeak in protest, "This has got to be a big one! So why don't you, Sirius, do the honors on this prank? You haven't done one in a while"

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked fearfully.

"You got to get close to him, find his weaknesses, so we can sabotage him." James said giddily, his eyes shining with mischief.

"Yeah, good thinking James, this'll be funny." Sirius said, not looking at his eyes; he didn't want to hurt the poor boy.

"Good, you got to get real close to him, find out what scared him the most, and WHAM!" he exclaimed, slapping his hands together unmercifully, "We pull the rug out from under his feet! He won't be able to look at us again!"

"Awesome, James, really brilliant." said Sirius with false enthusiasm.

"Well, go on then!" James said, shooing him out the portrait "I can't wait to hear what Loony Lupin's got hiding."

Feeling defeated, he followed Lupin to the library. He walked with his head down, a battle raging in his mind:

_The poor kid's never bothered you! Just tell James you can't do this._

_But he's been your mate for as long as you can remember, you can't! He'll hate you!_

_You'll hate yourself more after the poor boy's been emotionally scarred._

Without looking where he was going, he ended up in the library, the smell of dust and parchment and the sound of rustling pages reaching him.

Looking up, he saw no trace of Lupin anywhere. He strode over t the first aisle and peeked down it. Being unfamiliar with the library, he had no idea where he was looking or where Lupin might be.

He had just poked his head down the third aisle when a hand seized his wrist and pulled him down the aisle and into a corner. Being totally surprised, he had no way of fighting free from the strong grip.

"How long did you think you could ignore me?" a small, but sinister, voice reached him when he was finally pulled to a stop. Before he had time to think, he was pinned against the wall.

"Get away from me Lucius" he snarled, fighting with all his might against the force that held him to the wall, but to no avail.

Lucius pushed him into a nearby chair and straddled him so he could go nowhere. He gave a one-of-a-kind Malfoy sneer at his struggles.

"You can't escape me." whispered Lucius. Scowling at him with every ounce of hatred he possessed, he spat right into his face, sending him reeling backwards.

"Stay away from me. I'm not interested and I never will be" Sirius growled, pinning Lucius to the wall and magically binding him there. He plucked a book off a random shelf, pulled a few pages from it, and stuffed them into Lucius's mouth so he could not speak.

Triumphantly, he strode away, looking for Remus. As an afterthought, he walked back to the struggling Lucius and kicked him with all his strength on both his shins, making him howl inaudibly.

Mussing up his hair, he resumed his search for Remus. He found him, ten minutes later, behind a mountain of books, reading so fast his eyes were blurred.

"Hey Lu-Remus, how's it going" Sirius said cheerfully, plunking down next to him.

"Studying." muttered Lupin, not looking up from his book.

"Could you do me a favor?" asked Sirius, trying to catch Lupin's eyes. When a reply didn't come from the small boy, he continued, "Would you help me with my Transfiguration? Tutor me?"

Looking alarmed, Lupin looked up, his eyes finally settling on Sirius's, and spoke slowly, "Sure, Sirius. I've noticed you are slipping behind. When do you want your first lesson?"

"How about tomorrow night at seven 'o clock?" he asked, startled at Lupin's easy agreement.

"Sounds good, see you soon." said Lupin, giving a small smile, and resuming reading his giant book.

Feeling relieved and guilty at the same time, he waved and walked out of the library.

What had made him agree, without any persuading? Did Lupin pity him, because of his bad grades? Was he just being friendly? Did he just say that to get him out of his hair? Will he actually show up?

Thoughts swirled around in his head as he made his way back to Gryffindor Tower. He gave the Fat Lady the password (Diffliato) and scrambled into the common room. Immediately, he was hailed by James, who steered him towards the couch and sat down.

"So, how did you do?" he asked, eying Sirius with expectancy.

"He's going to tutor me tomorrow night in Transfiguration." Said Sirius slowly, refusing to meet James' eye.

"Brilliant! Keep it up and he'll be pranked in no time!" said James, thumping Sirius on the back.

"I'm tired, I'm going to bed." he muttered, and darted up the spiral staircase and up to the boy's dormitories.

Thoughts once again swallowed him as he willed himself to slip into sleep. The suspicions became wilder as he thought. His final thought, before going to sleep was:

_I'm just going to have to suck it up and prank him._


	2. Chapter 2

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"Try one more time, you've almost got it down." said Remus with confidence. Shaking his head and pursing his lips in concentration, Sirius tried, once again, to change Remus' hand into a crab pincer. Human transfigurations were extremely hard, and he had only tinted Remus's hand red.

With an aggravated flick, he tried to completely change Remus' hand, but only succeeded in stabbing his wrist.

"Good try, maybe we should do something simpler?" suggested Remus, massaging his wrist. "Maybe you could try to transfigure this button into a rat?"

He plucked a button off his robe and handed it to Sirius, smiling timidly. Flipping his shaggy mane of hair back, he flicked his wand gently at the button, and it turned into a small brown rat, but it was still made out of plastic.

"I'm sorry," said Sirius, rubbing his forehead and looking at Remus, "I can usually do it, you're just making me nervous, the way you're watching me."

"Oh, sorry." mumbled Remus, pulling a book up to cover his face, which now looked slightly pink. Looking anywhere but Sirius, he said, "I think we've done enough for today. How about we continue this tomorrow, same time?"

"Yeah, sounds good." Sirius said, still wondering why Remus was acting strange. "Do you want to walk back to the common room with me?"

"Yeah, sure, of course!" exclaimed Remus, his eyes lighting up. A second later, he had covered his face back up, looking down as though embarrassed.

Sirius stood, gave an almighty yawn, and strode towards the door, Remus alongside him. It was extremely awkward; Remus was hidden behind a stack of books he held in his hands, and they blocked him from Sirius' view, making it impossible to talk to him.

"Here, let me take some of those." said Sirius, taking half the books. Remus mumbled a thank you, now standing up straight without the weight of the books bending his spine.

Without the cover of the books, Sirius got a good look at Remus' face. His cheeks were slightly pink as though he had run a mile, his stunningly blue eyes were staring at the book on top of his pile and his hair was straggly and light brown.

Remus looked up at him, his blue eyes twinkling by the torchlight, and Sirius looked away, now realizing he had been staring at him.

"So, what's your favorite class?" asked Sirius, desperate for conversation.

"Defense against the Dark Arts, it's really fascinating. And you?"

"Same, it's cool learning about hexes."

"Diffliato" said Remus, startling Sirius. It took hi ma few seconds to realize they were standing outside the Fat Lady's portrait, and he had just said the password.

"I have to go study. I'll see you tomorrow?" asked Remus hopefully.

"Of course, you are my room mate after all." answered Sirius, thumping Remus on the back. He merrily smiled; obviously Sirius' gesture was strange for him.

He gave Remus his books back, his spine bending once more under the weight.

"'Night Sirius." mumbled Remus with a small smile.

"Night!" he called cheerfully back.

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"Ouch!"

"Sorry, sorry."

Sirius had just jabbed Remus with his wand on the wrist yet again, making Remus yelp. He was still trying to transfigure his hand into a pincer, and only succeeded in turning Remus' wrist black and blue with bruises.

"Here, let me show you again." said Remus, picking up his wand and flicking it at Sirius' hand.

His hand momentarily felt like it was made of putty, then it formed into a pincer, and finally turning fire truck red. His right hand was now a claw, similar to that of a crab's.

Sirius brought it up in front of his eyes, looking perplexed.

"Remus, how did you do that?" he exclaimed, snapping his pincer, which resulted in a comical _snap._

"You just need to concentrate, and don't jab your wand around like a sword." He said, crossing his arms over his chest playfully.

It was their fifth or six meeting (Sirius lost count) and Remus has really come out of his shell around Sirius. He was making small jokes here and there, and smiling more often.

"Yeah, yeah." He replied, waving his hand airily at him. Even though he still hasn't mastered partial human transfiguration, he has learned a ton from Remus: How to turn a cat in to a dog and back, making his robes transform into a tuxedo and even how to turn a tiny mouse in to a giant horse; a feat nobody in his class has even attempted yet.

His face screwed up in concentration, he flicked his wand at Remus' left hand and closed his eyes in hope it would soon be a claw.

He snuck a peek out of his lashes and saw, to his extreme relief, Remus' face looking very proud. His hand was finally a red, shining pincer.

"Suck that!" he yelled in triumph, forgetting he was in a library and dancing around the table, "What now? That's right, Sirius rocks!"

"SHHHHH!" hushed the librarian so loudly it startled Remus, who was too busy watching Sirius hoot and celebrate, making his hands shoot up in shock so it looked like he was surrendering. Sirius, however, happened to be right next to him and received a claw to the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Clutching his stomach, he sat down and tried to breathe in or out, but to no avail.

Remus was snickering from behind his claw-less hand. After Sirius had finally caught his breath, his face as red as Remus' claw, he aimed a smack at Remus' shoulder. Remus went crashing down out of his chair from the impact, which made Sirius howl with laughter.

Getting up with as much dignity as he could, he grabbed a book at random and hurled at Sirius. Sirius dodged it easily, but it rammed into the back of his head; Remus had put a charm on it so it acted like a boomerang.

"Boys, boys, get a grip!" shouted the librarian over Sirius and Remus, who were now wrestling on the ground, laughing.

With a furious jab of her wand, the two boys were wrenched up to their feet by the neck of their robes, still shouting and attempting to kick or punch each other.

"You'll pay for that Sirius!"

"Oh yeah? You wanna piece of me!"

"ENOUGH!" shouted the librarian, silencing the boy's playful fight at once. "Get OUT! You are both BANNED!"

Releasing the boys, she took hold of Sirius and Remus' robes and hurled them out the door, muttering under her breath.

"One of our better lessons, eh Remus?" asked Sirius

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With a casual flick of his wrist, Sirius transfigured his tawny owl into a brown, slobbery dog and back again. Next to him, James merrily hooted indignantly when it was poked in the eye with James' wand.

Professor Mcgonagoll scowled at him and shook her head head frustration.

"Merlin's beard, Sirius! How did you do that?" James asked, pointing to Sirius' owl, who was now, once again, a dog.

"Re-Lupin taught me. He's great at teaching." he said, silently kicking himself for almost calling him 'Remus'. He was supposed to be pranking him.

"Have you found out anything about him yet?" James asked, a hungry look in his eye.

He had, in fact, been trusted with several of Remus' weaknesses and secrets, especially one that would be a grenade in James' hands.

"Nothing yet. He's too shy." he replied, now trying to vanish his dog.

"Keep it up then, I expect a full report on Loony Lupin soon, it's been over three weeks!" exclaimed James, clearly impatient.

When James got impatient with a prank, it usually resulted with him stepping in and speeding things up. However, Sirius seemed to be almost... enjoying the time he had with Remus. Hiding behind his shy, timid exterior, inside he was nice, funny, sweet, easy to talk to, patient and understanding.

If he didn't do something soon, James was going to ruin everything.

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"No, Sirius, c'mon. Please don't do this to me.

"They're nice once you get to know them, now stop being a baby."

Sirius was half-dragging a struggling Remus down the spiral steps to the Gryffindor common room, and Remus was having none of it. He had told him James wanted to ask him something, and he seemed to be terrified.

"If you don't let go of me, I'll stop tutoring you." snarled Remus.

"Yeah right." growled Sirius right back, tugging harder.

Finally, after at least ten minutes of fighting with Remus (He was unusually strong), they emerged in the common room. Sirius beckoned Remus forward towards the fire, and Remus followed sulkily, once again hiding behind a book.

"Move that bloody book." whispered Sirius harshly to Remus, who simpler shook his head, eyes looking determinedly down.

Rolling his eyes, Sirius plunked down on to the couch next to James, who muttered a hello from behind his textbook. (Clearly watching Lily over the top.)

He patted the sofa next to him, and Remus reluctantly sat down next to him, on the edge of the seat.

"So, James." he said, waking him from his stupor over Lily, "Do you have anything to ask Remus?"

Smiling with that look of pure glee that came with pranking, he asked Remus confidently "Lupin, I mean Remus, do you want to go to Hogsmeade with us next weekend?"

Turning to Remus, he gave a please-do-it-for-me look. He momentarily look shocked and then, looking at Sirius' puppy dog eyes, he nodded.

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End file.
